Jen <3

anotherwards.. please be true. anotherwards... i love you.

i am head over heels madly in love with douglas alban. and he said it the best way.... the best things happen when you least expect them. i knew that he was perfect for me... the way doug made me feel... that school girl crush i had on him.... the way he made my heart beat faster... get nervous in his presence.... things that simply no one else has done to me before... and feelings that he continues to give me... that no one else has and no one else can compare.. not that im sitting here trying to compare.

i think what is good about being in a long distance relationship is the fact that i can still be me, still do my own thing.. and not get lost in a relationship.... not lose my identity... because that is what i did with brian... all my time was spent with him...

im not really scared of what if it doesnt work out with doug... it just doesnt enter my mind. and i think partially that is because despite being a little sadder past two months compared to this summer, i still have the mindset of whatever happens, happens, and i still believe that life truly is way to short... it's a gift and you have to make the best of it... we are not going to be here forever... so why cant we try and have the most fun we can.. make the most we can... be the best we can be. corny but it is so true. take chances, so what if you mess up? at least you can say you tried and took chances, tried new things.... and lived.

i'm going to attempt to finish up my last entry and also just basically write about this past summer, cuz without a doubt, this summer has been one unforgettable one... defnetly... probably the best summer of my life lol.

but let us start it at the spring time..

i guess ill try and go in order but it will be random at times. oh well at least i am here actually writing this stuff down before i forget the finer details.... so i already wrote about the weekend when we worked at the opening for the new rec center.. that was the last weekend in april.. definetly was attracted to doug then... omggggg. i remeber getting there on sunday and i curled my hair and looked good for once and i was really disappointed because he wasn't there. but then all of a sudden he showed up.. in his clothes with paint all over them.. but he didnt really say hi to me. and he looked hot.. and was TAN. hot and tan. that is all i pretty much remeber about that day. and then he sent me that amazing message on facebook apologizing and stuff and i was definetly wowed by that.. by him making the effort. and he told me about how him and rob and jay might go see wolverine that coming thursday night... and i remeber that night.. i was at matt's house with brian.. bored as usual.. i remeber rob called me and the three of them left me a hilarious voicemail. i didnt really look that good but yeah met up with them.. i already wrote about this.

so a few weeks later i know i already wrote about it but we had the first aid and cpr class... which i hoped doug was going to come to but i really could have sworn that he wouldnt need to since he was already a lifeguard and stuff. but alas he was there and of course i was excited. i remeber i wore that blue shirt from forever 21 with the design on the top (have the same one in purple) with my black jacket.. and at one point i took off the jacket and doug made a comment or whistled. lol. haha and doug made a point to call me that thursday when i got home after taco bell telling me to go see terminator with him and tom an rob that night. he was onlygoing cuz i was going, and vice versa. and i did not want brian to come that night. and doug walks into robs bedroom wearing his white shirt and i thought to myself wow i would totally go after him if i didnt have a boyfriend. and i wanted doug and rob to drive in my car with me..i wanted to try and pretend i was cool driving my car with them in the backseat. brian sat up front and doug sat behind him. but im trying to think though... was the night we went to izumis (me, brian, matt.. and met doug, rob, jay) and then keltic after... where i "accidentally kissed doug"... was that before the first aid and cpr class??? yeah im pretty sure it was... let me check..yesss it was two weeks before the cpr class... what an infamous night.

so then fri .. the day after the first aid cpr thing.. we had no afterschool so somehow i ended up hanging out with tom and rob. they were going job searching so i came along. we went to the mall at first then ended up at cracker barrelll.... too funny. it was fun hanging out with them... and i rember brian calling when we were driving and i liked that i told brian i was hanging out with tom and rob. because part of me resented that brian was always working... i guess.. and of course part of me was not happy with brian anymore anyways. so then idk how but i remeber rob talking to doug on the way home... and i guess doug was out to dinner.. turns out it was at stefanos.. and jay randomly showed up there... and doug was with his parents i guess and i thinking his gf at the time.. because he was supposed to be hanging out with her that night... but rob was trying to convince him to come to a gay club LOL. i kinda wanted to go because i wanted to go out and drink a little and obviously be around doug... but that never worked out and rob texted me about going to the "beach" that night but i didnt really want to go . so then the next day was kim;s graduation party from marist at sallys house. so rob and i drove together and that was fun.. everyone thought rob was my boyfriend since we not only showed up together, but both wore purple. lol. and brian kept texting me calling etc to hang out and i just didnt really care at all. so then the plan was for me and rob to go see doug ump at dutchess stadium i do believe. but im not sure why that didnt happen... i believe it had something to do with brian... ughhhh. so i remeber getting home from kims after rob dropped me off... changing my outfit.. i put on a jean skirt with leggings and those black jeweled sandals and the purple top i kept on. then brian was at stephs house already drunk so i had to pick his ass up. and we went to the block party. parked by the keltic house.. walked over. bumped into jay and his gf.. she seemed ok.. not really friendly but ehh idk. then i saw dan and gave him a HUG lol... oh and we met up with ryan and lindsay... woohoo not. ended up going into the whitehouse and drinking a little... i believe i got a corona with lime and enjoyed it. saw a hot guy in there and made eye contact. brian wanted to leave to hang out with me but i just was not feeling that. kept texting rob about doug.. i just wanted to see doug that night... and then we left and rob said they were at the 84 diner.. and i wanted to go and meet them and just be by myself.. not with brian. but i was with brian. so we walk in and go to the table and sit down. i sit across from doug, brian sat across from rob.. brian a little drunk ugh. i was a little too but he was drunk. i was happy sitting across from doug =) then we talked about the gay bar and brian thought it was ridiculous. we all thought it was funny/cool. so alas we left. ummmm then the following friday i got my car inspected but it was going to take awhile so rob was nice enough to pick me up and bring me to glenham but it actually turned out he was working with me that day since dan had his prom that day. it was a fun day, and that night rob had a date with the girl he met at the rec opening.. the blonde chick. i dont know what i did that night if anything, since brian was obviouusly working. who knows. then the next day... well it was saturday and ugh i went over to matts house and that crazy girl prisilla was there and the four of us went to charlie brown's for dinner... AHAHA okay so before the dinner thing.. i was getting ready and who calls me? DOUG. so doug tells me he was driving home and was really hungry and i guess no one was home at his house so he wanted to possibly get planet wings with me and rob and of course i wanted to do that instead of going out to dinner with wackos ( matt and prisilla). but i couldnt =( so we went to charlie browns and it just seemed sooo odd to be out to dinner with matt and that wacko girll ugh.. and i was texting rob the whole time lol and he was with doug and they ended up coming to charlie brown's!!!!! we were finishing dinner.. and we sat by the front door.. and rob and doug walk in and it didnt seem like they saw me (altho doug admitted later that he did see me sitting there) so they sit at the bar. and i just pretty much get up without saying anything and go over and sit with them at the bar... i vaguely remember looking good that night so that worked out lol heheheh. and i remember doug being to my left at the bar.. and they asked me if i wanted a drink i said no. they just got like a beer. haha seeing doug and rob made me soo happy. but eventually prisilla walks in and they all wanted to go. brian walks in and sits down and that was weird. then we all get up and leave, i give doug and rob a hug goodbye. they get in doug's car. ughhhhh. we go back to matt's house.... BORING AND STUPID and all i could think about was doug and how i wish i was hanging out with him instead definetly. haha. and me hugging rob and doug that night ended up being the reason why matt later referred to me as an "undercover slut" lol well talk about that one another time.ohhh man. so then that following thursday night i went to rob's house and picked him up then we picked up dave surber!!!!! and went and met doug at izumis... did a sake bomb or two there at the bar. dave looked hot... haha he was wearing cowboy boots. doug was hot OBVIOUSLY... i looked so-so... ehhhh. that was fun. then we went to michael's.... im not sure whose idea that was. probably mine but who knows. (ugh by the way altho i do remeber lots of stuff.. i wish i friggin started writing about this stuff as it was happening.. details are blurry) but i will start writing again even though i always say that. we had so much fun at michaels... i remeber buying drinks for rob and doug and they just kept asking me to surprise them... i recall getting a jolly rancher drink, a blue hawaiin for doug (which was perfect 4 him), captain and coke, idk what elseeee. i got pretty drunk there... not too crazy since i was obviously eventually driving. we did karaoke which was a total blast... i did vanilla ice and doug and rob got up and danced and did the "din din din din din din din" part and it was sooooo funny. then rob and i sung a no doubt song together but it ended up being the wrong one ughhh. then brian came and met us there when he got out of work... oh and sal was with us too that night lol almost forgot about him. i wasnt happy to see brian lol. he was just sooo boring and not fun at all.. did not want to do karaoke. whatever. i just wanted to have fun and i was having a lot of fun that night =) rob brought his camera and we just went crazy with picture taking lol. doug did sweet caroline that was funny. he was supposed to be home early i remeber, and i also remember him leaving michaels...... he hugged rob and picked up rob and rob put his legs around doug. so then doug hugged me last... and picked me up and i put my legs around him lol and apparently dave  was shocked and told brian i shouldnt be doing that lol cuz i was with brian at the time. hahahahahahhaahhaha. so much fun that night. then we went over to the keltic house, some girl bought dave a drink... idk why but that sort of bothered me...omg when i did vanilla ice... some of the words were wrong on the screen so i would say those arent the right words... so at the end i go "wooooo!!! town of fishkill recreation!!!! we take care of your kids!!!!!" haha i said that because we were drunk doing karaoke and our job is to watch kids lol idk it was sooo funny. good times, good times.

so then that saturday prisilla and matt had a huge fight thing going on.. that was absolutely hilarious. we went to roy and stephs house... that was fine... then ended up going back to matt's house to pick up mr manny but ended up picking matt, prisilla, and megan up (speaking of which i always liked megan.. i miss her =(...). sooo matt was BEYOND DRUNK, prisilla DRUNK, theyre fighting about god knows what. we go to the gas station... prisilla ends up getting out of brians car holding a bottle of liquor.... fucking idiot... me and megan go after her... idiot... we get to stephs house.... crazy drama. i believe rob texted me about dave surber and a hotel party.. since his sister got married... and brian knew about it too i guess so we decide to go.. so me and brian get to the hotel.. it was across the river right by the orange county choppers... doug was picking up rob and coming and i was QUITE EXCITED... while im driving in the car with my boyfriend.... lol. we get there and then rob and doug pull up. we were outside drinking... beer. i got a little tipsy drunkish. i remeber standing there thinking wow... doug.... and i aso remeber feeling badly but i just wasnt feeling brian at all.. and i felt like nothing towards him.... it was weird and sad. and i remeber playing with the metal beer top... doing the alphabet thing every time u move it back and forth.. and i kept getting D. meaning i will marry doug lol we used to play that game when we were little. so then doug went inside to the bathroom..... and i asked where doug went and they said the bathroom... so idk i said i had to use the bathroom.. and i did so i walked in hoping id bump into doug but i didnt so i knew he was still in bathroom... so there was conveniently a chair right outside the bathrooms that i sat in and possibly pretended to play with my phone... pretending i wasnt sitting there on purpose waiting for doug to get out of the bathroom. so he comes out and sits down next to me and all i could think about was wanting to kiss him.. and wow.. and we talked and it was fun and nice and wow... then brian walks in eventually lol dammit. then doug and rob ended up leaving.... and all i could think about was doug. so we go up to the hotel room.. keep drinking etc etc doug was gone, brian was still there... big deal didnt care. i ended up texting rob "i find doug quite attractive" or else it said "i am quite attracted to doug" along those lines.. and even though i was drunk.. i knew to text it to rob after they left... when i knew rob and doug were still in doug's car together... cuz i knew rob would tell doug lol. and rob didnt say much but he said doug said something along the lines of... if him and i were in different situation.. since he had a gf, i had a bf. rob didnt say much more about it. the next morning i didnt really care that i said it.. maybe just a little... and i felt badly in regards to brian =(. so the next day was sunday... i did not get hardly any sleep that nite. brian brought my back to my house and i remeber we uh took a nap together..probably the last time i slept next to him but whatever. so after pondering about it, i decided to make brian leave and i took a shower and got dressed because i was going to go to linda's graduation party. brian didnt really want to go at all, but he ended up coming over and we walked over. there was a weirdness between us there.. partially because i knew i was attracted and into doug.. and partly because him and i just were not clicking anymore. we left and went back to my house.. and i wanted to be different so we played spit i think with my cards on my bed.. again sumthin he didnt want to do.. all brian ever wanted to do was watch tv ugh. so then we left my house and went over to matt's house .. saw melissa and sean and sat with them and mr manny on the back porch for awhile. sal came over. so did keith. no one was talking to matt and prisilla cuz she was a psycho. especially the night before. so were standing on the road, and doug's car drove by and turned on rob's road. they were going to dodgeball. they drive by and i pretend not to notice but doug honked after he passed us. i convinced brian to go to dodgeball, sal went too.. only because i wanted to see doug. were sitting in the parking lot in brians car, doug pulls up next to us in his car. no weirdness between us.. he knew what i had said about him lol. he made a comment about what i was wearing since i had black ties like everywhere cuz my top had a tie and i wore a sparkly black belt and tied it. so blah blah. wowww.... so then actually two days later... june 9th... doug's gf basically breaks up with him... that was an interesting night... they call me up and want....NEED me to meet them at taco bell... it was super duper late... my mom over heard and tells me im not going anywhere lol so i make up a lie and say im goin to brians house since his aunt passed away which was true but i wanted to comfort him lol and she still was pissed off... i basically left the house when she forbid me not to... but doug was really upset idk if i knew at that point that his gf broke up with him.. but i at least knew he was let down and sad and i didnt want to let him down by not coming to hang out if for only a little while. so im driving.... my mom ends up calling brians mom flipping out.. brian calls me and is like what r u doing.. i lie to brian and i feel guilty but i knew i was doing the right thing... seeing doug.... but at the same time it was wrong. i tell my mom im coming home.. lol. so i drive to bromfield's house. go inside.. i look kind of crappy since i went to the gym... doug says something about how my eyeshadow was sparkly or whatnot. they got taco bell... doug's gf broke up with him... she didnt talk to him for like 2 weeks or something and then said he didnt care so thats why she broke up with him... he was drinking too... i remeber i had to go so doug walked me outside. we were talking for awhile... i noticed he was very talkative... i remeber thinking "i will look back on this moment and wish to come back here "... somehow thats when i found out doug was an altar server lol. doug felt badly about making my mom mad and getting me into trouble. omg before that in bromfield's house.. doug goes "yeah so im single now so let me know when you are".. to me..i just kinda laughed but thought hmm but also thought hmmm u just broke up this situation will not work.
omggg im so fucking tired so much more to write will finish tommm

doug tom and rob come to my house.. first time doug came to my house... they went to izumis that nite i didnt come

double o... with doug and rob.. then monopoly... brian getting mad..

A-M-A-Z-I-N-G.

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on

'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts. You are not alone

default-all is forgiven
crossfade-why
crossfade-already gone
evans blue-over

Innocent life taken needlessly. A young William looking on in fright, I began to realize I needed more of this tale. I watched as I saw the most beautiful love scene ever put on screen: that of a young girl giving a heartbroken little boy a thistle. A thistle that someday he would give back to her.

"self-reliance"

is national emblem of scotland

the thistle was greatly venerated by the ancients as being sacred to thor, the god of lightening, from which it was supposed to protect persons placed under its guardianship.
the love between my mother and father

every man dies but not every man really lives

my mom seems to think that my dad's grandmother possibly had scotish in her. my dad's father was english. and my mom's dad was irish, german and english.

Braveheart

1280 AD. setting in scotland, story of william wallace. man who lived and died in order to set hearts free. He was a man with a courageous, passionate heart, who fought against the tyranny of men with corrupt hearts. It is the story of a man who is very much a Christ figure.

The movie opens giving us only a glimpse of William Wallace’s childhood. The King of Scotland has died without a son, leaving the throne to be fought over by the King of England and the Scottish nobles. Setting a trap to usurp the throne, Edward the Longshanks, a cruel pagan, has the nobles and their pages slaughtered.  Young William stumbles into this scene while following his father and brother. William’s father and brother are killed trying to avenge these murders. In the scene which establishes the theme of the movie, William’s dead father turns to him and makes this proclamation, “Your heart is free, have the courage to follow it.”

At his father’s burial the broken hearted William is ministered to by the young Murren.  Breaking off a purple thistle, she gives it to him, establishing a bond between them.  This simple gesture has profound significance.  The thistle did not become the national emblem of Scotland until the reign of James III (1451-1488; See note).  In Christian analogy the thistle is symbolic of both the crown of thorns and the fall of man, thus representing both sorrow and sin.  The gift to young William signifies the crown he will wear in order to free the hearts of Scotland’s sons.

this kind of sucks, actually it really sucks. there are so many things i want to do and get done, i would give anything to just snap my fingers and have it all done and everything, i seriously would feel so much better right now lol.

My journal is now only viewable to people on my friends list; !

p.s. i like brian =)

ozzy-gets me through
    mama im coming home
alice in chains-again
    don;t follow
daft punk

figure .09 -linkin park
nobody's listening
session
it's going down
points of authority jay gordon -linkin park
pushing me away mike shinoda/stephen richards linkin park

LOL